


Live

by nohyuck (infinitethe8)



Series: Live: The Series [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Crying, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Suicide Attempt, hyuckie suffers so much im so sorry, jungwoo and kun are only mentioned, mentions of taokrishan, one-sided markhyuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-19 04:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14866638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitethe8/pseuds/nohyuck
Summary: It's a beautiful day when Lee Donghyuck decides to end it all.TRIGGER WARNING: This fic discusses a suicide attempt and feelings associated with depression and hopelessness, please read at your own risk. I do not want to trigger anyone so i'm giving you a warning beforehand.





	1. Breath

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there, this is my first fic for NCT and my first fic since 2013 so it's been a while. Please go easy on me  
> This fic came really easy to me, which I'm not sure if its a good thing or not. This fic is kind of a coping mechanism for me because I survived a suicide attempt. Due to those circumstances, this fic has a lot of my own feelings and experiences.  
> There's a lot that happens in this fic and I just want to just say that the hyungs are going to seem like bad people but they're not, i promise.  
> Big disclaimer: I know depression/suicide is a taboo/sensitive topic and in no way or form am I making an assumption on the mental health of Donghyuck or any of the other NCT boys. It's not my place to say if any of them are depressed or struggling, this is purely fictional. I am also in no way trying to romanticize suicide, it's something i've experienced personally and I want no one to ever go through the same thing I did. I apologize if it seems like those are my intentions.  
> I will discuss the fic at the end notes of this chapter as well, just to clarify any confusion. Italics mean that its a memory, of importance or a thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck wants to be free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to You by Keaton Henson while writing this and cried a lot so if you want to cry, feel free to listen to it while you read.
> 
> *chapter 1 includes a homophobic slur.

Donghyuck stared at the sky from his position on the roof, glad that the last thing he will ever see is so beautiful and calming. The hues of pink and blue helped ease his nerves of what he is about to do. 

There should be a part of him that tells him to be rational, to not end it all because he is so young and there's so much left to experience, but there is none. He is too numb and empty to believe the lie that things get better. It's been _years_.

It never got better.

He took out the pill bottles that he managed to steal from the dorm’s medicine cabinets and placed them on the floor where he's sat. Next to the pills is a water bottle, the tools to his end are in front of him yet he can't make himself touch them. He doesn't worry, it'll be a while before anyone finds him and by then he'll be _free_.

He's dreamt of this for so long, yet it's surreal to him that he's really going to do it. Donghyuck had always been a coward. How many times had he grabbed pill bottles, blades, _anything_ to make the pain stop but put it back when he heard one of his members nearby? He guessed the empty feeling in his chest gave him courage.

His members. He would miss them but he doubted they would miss him. They would finally be free of him, they would probably throw a party to celebrate.

Finally, 127 would have a better maknae, and an even number of members. It would be perfect. Maybe then, the group wouldn't feel suffocating and forced, maybe then, the group could succeed. He knew he was holding them back with his insufficiency. They would finally be able to shine.

He thought about the dreamies, the only people who would probably miss him. He thought about sweet Chenle and mischievous Jisung. The two loved to mess with him, but he knew they considered him a great hyung. At least he _hoped_ they did.

His heart ached for his fellow 00 liners. Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin had always been his saving grace. Whenever one of the hyungs let out a stinging comment about his personality, they would sooth the burn with loving words and affection.

His mind wandered to all the memories he had with Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin. He thought about all the times that Renjun would pull him close and glare at anyone who looked at him wrong or said something about him.

                       

* * *

 

 

_“Injunniee” Donghyuck whined into Renjun’s shoulder as he ranted about the math test he had last period. He hadn't been able to study due to practice, so he was 100% sure he failed it. Taeyong was going to scold him so bad when he found out._

_He heard a snort somewhere and he looked up to see a boy his age giving him and Renjun an ugly look._

_“Fags” He sneered at them before turning back to his locker._

_Donghyuck shrunk into himself. He had always been a touchy person and he had never been ashamed of his sexuality but the disgust on the other boy’s face made his insides churn. He wasn't disgusting…._

_“Don't listen to him Hyuckie” Renjun said forcefully as he wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close. Donghyuck looked up to see Renjun glaring holes into the other boy who had moved on from their existence._

_“I know, it's okay injunnie I promise” He said “He's just jealous I’m being hugged by the cutest boy in school.”_

_Donghyuck winked cheesily at Renjun who laughed. He could see the blush on Renjun’s pretty face. ~~He kind of liked it.~~_

_“Don't let Jaemin or Jeno hear you say that or they'll never let it go._ _"_

                        

* * *

 

 

He had a small smile on his face as he remembered that incident. Renjun was too fierce and loving for his own good.

He thought about Jeno and how protective he was. He had claimed himself as Donghyuck's best friend, to protests from Renjun, Jaemin and even Mark himself, and promised to protect him from _anyone, yes even you Taeyong hyung._

                        

* * *

 

 

_The Markhyuck fight of 2017 as fans liked to call it has been uglier than either side imagined. It was a war zone wherever Mark and Donghyuck went, which was difficult considering they had to promote in two groups._

_Donghyuck didn't know or remember how it happened. They had been in the car on their way to the airport just like they had a million times before when the arguing started._

_He was so tired of Mark ignoring him and pushing him away. He remembers yelling at Mark that they were friends and friends don't ignore each other and walk out of the room when the other person enters._

_Mark had been brutal, not thinking of the consequences of his words. He tore Donghyuck apart, pulling out every insecurity he knew he had and using it against him. He didn't know what he had to done to be on the receiving end of Mark's overwhelming stress and impatience. From the taunts and hints, he guessed that Mark knew about the small crush he had on him._

_Nothing could stop him from looking like he was seconds away from bursting into tears and the internet took to it like a fish took to water. There were rumors of all kinds and fans had voiced their concern and worry over the situation and whether or not one of them would leave the group. All of NCT suffered immensely on their behalf, for letting personal endeavors affect their image._

_When Jeno found out what happened, he ignored Donghyuck's pleas to leave it alone and ran out of the dream dorm. Donghyuck followed, begging Jeno to leave it alone and to stop before he made it worse._

_Jeno bust the door open to the 127 dorm, scaring the hyungs before his eyes narrowed on Mark who had walked in when he heard the commotion._

_“You” he said looking at Mark who stared at him in confusion, having not spotted Donghyuck._

_“Me?”_

_“Jeno please” Donghyuck said quietly trying to pull him away._

_“No” He said loudly and took a few steps forwards before BAM!_

_Lee Jeno, the most calm headed pacifist, had just punched Mark Lee in the face._

_“Lee Jeno are you out of your damn mind” Taeyong screamed as he ran over to Mark who was sporting a bloody nose._

_“Next time you want to fight with someone and take all of your stress out on them, do it with me. I will not hesitate to knock you down. Donghyuck is the sweetest person on this planet and he does not deserve to be treated like a punching bag just because you can’t understand his feelings. Come near him again and I won't hesitate to do this again” He said in a loud voice._

_He turned around, ignoring the hyungs’s calls, grabbed Donghyuck’s hand and left._

_“You shouldn't have done that” Donghyuck said later as he tended to Jeno’s bruised fist._

_“Probably yeah, but I'd do again in a heartbeat” he said with his signature eye smile. The ‘for you’ was left out but he knew Jeno wouldn't hesitate to do anything for him._

_Donghyuck rolled his eyes fondly. Lee Jeno was his best friend for sure ~~and he was the tiniest bit in love with him.~~_

                        

* * *

 

 

Jeno was too loyal but that's okay because he was the best friend anyone could ask for.

Donghyuck's thoughts wandered to Jaemin. He and Jaemin had a different relationship. They had grown up together, trained together but they had slightly drifted apart while Donghyuck promoted with 127 and Jaemin was at home resting from his back injury.

He had been worried that when Jaemin returned to their dorm once his back had healed, that they would struggle to get back to normal. His worries has been for nothing as Jaemin had returned with a bright smile and a safe space.

Jaemin knew how hard it was to put up a mask and he never said anything when Donghyuck came to him at odd hours in tears.

                       

* * *

 

 

_Donghyuck stared at the wall, tears streaming down his face as negative thoughts plagued his mind. He knew he had to go to someone before he did something he would regret, so he ran to the one place where he knew he could let his walls down._

_“Duckie?” Jaemin whispered sleepily as Donghyuck got into his bed. Jaemin turned over to look at him and his face became concerned when he saw the tears falling down the other boy’s face._

_“Jaemin” He let out before bursting into tears again. Jaemin shushed him, pulling him close and running his hands soothingly through Donghyuck's hair._

_“It’s okay duckie, it's okay, I’m right here, you're safe” Jaemin whispered into his ear repeatedly until his sobs stopped._

_“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked quietly._

_“Do….Do You think I deserve to be in NCT?”_

_Jaemin paused and stared at him. He had never seen Jaemin look so serious before._

_“Why are you asking this? Did one of the hyungs say something to you?” he asked trying to keep the anger out of his voice._

_Donghyuck shook his head, “No they haven't said anything. It's just…I've been struggling so much and I'm holding everyone back. Taeyong hyung, he's a good leader but even I can tell he's getting fed up with me. I can't dance, my voice cracks and SM doesn't really use my voice to begin with, which is understandable, Jaehyun hyung’s voice is godtier. I just think there are so many other people who could take my place and maybe that would be better”_

_“Donghyuck” Jaemin breathed in, “You're an absolute fool”_

_Donghyuck blinked in surprise, unsure of how to respond to that._

_“How could you believe that? Of course you belong in NCT you moron. You're an amazing dancer and your voice is like actual honey. Everyone has bad days duckie, and just because you're having more of them then everyone else, doesn't invalidate how great you are. You were meant for this life. No one else could replace you and I wouldn't want to share a stage with someone who isn't you”_

_Donghyuck stared at Jaemin in wonder, his face hot. He had expected Jaemin to comfort him, but he never expected something like this. ~~It almost sounded like a confession.~~_

_“Na Jaemin I love you” Donghyuck said with a smile. The words ‘thank you’ hung in the air. Jaemin knew he was thankful, he always did._

_“Lee Donghyuck I love you too”_

_Donghyuck fell asleep with a clear mind and his legs tangled with Jaemin’s. ~~In his dream he kissed Na Jaemin, his eyes closed and the corner of his lips turned upwards.~~_

                         

* * *

 

 

Donghyuck breathed in, he hadn't even noticed that he was crying. The memory of that night warmed him against the cold air but the numbness in his chest remained.

The thought of leaving Jaemin, Renjun and Jeno behind hurt him im a way that was indescribable. 

He shook his head, he had to focus. He had to do this, he stressed to himself. If he backed out now, he would never do it.

He took out his phone and held back a sob when he saw his home screen. The home screen was a picture of all of nct when they were trainees. He couldn't hold back his tears, how he wished he could go back to the days when he was a trainee. When his smile was real and he didn't cry himself to sleep every night. When the feelings of inadequacy didn't choke him until he couldn't breath.

He had been on the roof for an hour. The hues of pink and blue had darken, it had to be early evening. Time passed so fast, Donghyuck would never get use to it. Why would his existence matter when it would be over so quickly?

He grimaced as his thoughts before he grabbed a random pill bottle and opened it. As he placed the pills in his hand, he thought about his hyungs.

Taeil was a little odd but despite the age difference, he still loved his hyung and all his quirks. When Donghyuck was younger, his hyung would coddle him with compliments and words of encouragement. As Donghyuck got older, he felt his hyung distance himself from him. He wasn't Taeil's darling dongsaeng, he was the only person in the group who couldn't get the choreo right. He ached for the times when Taeil would pinch his cheeks just to annoy him.

Johnny and Yuta were the members that he had loved to be with the most. Ever since Donghyuck had joined SM, they had decided that he deserved to be coddled and cared for. They hugged him and pet his head and told him that he had done a good job. He wondered when they decided he didn't deserve their affection anymore. He missed the skinship they use to give him as it became more and more rare. He use to hug them or whine at them, begging for attention  but after being told to stop multiple times, he stopped trying.

Taeyong was a great leader and Donghyuck admired him to no ends. His hyung put everything on his shoulders and never complained. He did his best to take care of 17 other people. He never blamed his hyung for forgetting him. When he forgot to wake Donghyuck for practice or pack him a lunch for school, he swallowed the hurt and went along with it. It was never his hyung’s fault, Donghyuck never stood out, it was easy to forget he existed.

He never knew where he stood with Winwin. At first, there had been a language barrier and his hyung had been shy about communicating with the other members because of his broken Korean. He only talked with Chenle and Renjun who could understand him without needing a translator. Donghyuck had always made sure to include his hyung in the group so that he never felt left out. After a while, his hyung's Korean improved and Donghyuck didn't have to purposely include him but that didn't stop Donghyuck from initiating skinship. Winwin ignored him or pushed him away and he pretended the rejection didn't hurt him when he saw how accepting his hyung had been towards affection from other members. He wondered when Winwin had stopped seeing him as the group's cute maknae and started seeing him as a nuisance.

When Donghyuck was a trainee, he had a crush on Jaehyun. Jaehyun was beautiful, had the voice of an angel and had lived in America. In Donghyuck's eyes, he had been the coolest person to ever exist. He hero worshipped Jaehyun and it didn't help that he was so kind. He never had a bad thing to say about anyone and even after he debuted, he was always humble and willing to help anyone. Maybe that's why it hurt so much when Jaehyun took Mark's side during their fight. The hyungs said they wouldn't get involved but Jaehyun was Mark's _favorite_ hyung, it was obvious that he would take his side. He still treated Donghyuck the same, he still gave Donghyuck the smile that would've made him blush all those years ago. Donghyuck came home one day and was told that he would be Doyoung’s roommate from now on. Jaehyun had given no explanation, but it wasn't needed, not when Mark ended up being Jaehyun’s roommate. He'd always be second best.

Doyoung was arguably his favorite hyung, not that he didn't love all his hyungs equally. Whenever he was ignored or forgotten, his hyung would come up behind him and smile, as if to let him know that _someone_ remembered him. He loved how outspoken his hyung was, he was never afraid to speak his mind. Donghyuck use to joke that he wanted to be just like Doyoung when he grew up. He thinks he'll miss Doyoung more than the others.

Donghyuck looked at the pills in his hand and felt more tired than ever. He just wanted to die.

He checked the time again, wondering how long it would take for someone to find his body. His hyungs had gone out to dinner and it had been an hour before they remembered that they had forgotten to take Donghyuck with them. Something had snapped in Donghyuck when he realized they had left him behind. Everything crashed down on him and he realized how meaningless, how _forgettable_ his existence was. 

His body felt like it was on autopilot as he grabbed the pill bottle hidden under his bed, a water bottle and his notebook. His notebook contained a suicide note but also personalized letters for each member, his family and Hansol. Even though Hansol had left SM, they had spent several years training together and Donghyuck would always consider him family.

He breathed in, taking a look at his surroundings for one last time. The sun was setting and he realized he could not drag it out any longer.

There's something funny about being ready to die, Donghyuck thought morbidly, it's as if his whole body had just given up. He couldn't do it anymore and it seemed as if his body agreed.

He was opening his water bottle when he heard it. It sounded like elephants, there were loud bangs and faint shouting.

His eyes widened when he heard Taeyong 's voice among the chaos.

 _No no no_. _They were suppose to be out all night!_

It was impossible. Donghyuck quickly rushed to open the bottle as the noise intensified.

“DONGHYUCK” several voices yelled as the roof door opened.

Johnny, Taeyong, Taeil, Yuta, Winwin, Jaehyun, Doyoung and Mark all stood there, their eyes focused on Donghyuck, who had frozen the second they had opened the door. He could see tears falling down Doyoung's face.  _Why?_

His body reacted without him thinking and it all happened in the span of seconds.

“No!” Someone yelled as he shoved pills into his mouth and reached for the water. He heard footsteps and shouting as he focused on swallowing the water. 

Someone's arms wrapped around his waist tightly. The arms pressed against his stomach painfully and he gagged, spitting the pills and water out. 

His throat burned as he pushed and struggled against the person who he identified as Johnny based of the height. He didn't notice that he was crying as his vision blurred.

“Let me die! I want to die! Please, please i just want to die! I want it to be over!” Donghyuck screamed through his sobs as he desperately tried to get out of his hyung’s embrace.

He could see faint figures of his hyungs and he cried more. He wanted them to go away. He wanted it all to go away. 

“Shh its okay, its okay” Johnny soothed him in a voice Donghyuck had never heard before. 

“Please, please i just want to die” Donghyuck sobbed as his body gave out. Johnny supported him and held him tightly, as if he would disappear.

Donghyuck cried into his hyungs arms. He just wanted to die, why couldn't they let him die?

“Please” he whispered before his eyes closed and his vision went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes about chapter 1:  
> \- The title of the chapter will make sense when all of the chapters are posted.  
> \- I believe Jeno is the sweetest pacifist who will not hesitate to kick anyone's ass if they hurt his close friends (00 line)  
> \- Some of the things the hyungs do and say are pretty hurtful and I promise I'm not trying to make them look bad. Sometimes the people you love most hurt you pretty badly.  
> \- When Donghyuck thinks about his hyungs, hes bringing himself down so that he thinks he won't be missed. All of his opinions are biased and you can really see that in the way he describes his relationship with them. He thinks he is a nuisance etc but thats just what his depression has twisted it to seem like. Also i hope it all flows okay, i had to take out a few hyungs cos i feel like thats all i used ajskdk  
> \- Donghyuck doesn't address Mark when he thinks about his hyungs and there's a reason for that  
> \- Yes i hint very strongly towards  
> norenhyuckmin, if thats not your cup of tea, sorry?? Currently, I have no plans on making it 'official' in the story, so it'll only be very strong hinted at. I might write a norenhyuckmin fic tho!  
> \- The words with a strike are Donghyuck's feelings of denial when it comes to being in love with norenmin. He's not emotionally ready to deal with those feelings  
> \- Donghyuck had a crush on Jaehyun cos mood
> 
>  
> 
> If you guys have anything you'd like to see in the next chapter, please let me know!! I'm stuck really badly with chapter 2 >>. I'm basing this off my own experience and well, I didn't have people waiting for or crying for me when I got hospitalized so I don't know how to write that asjdkld. I did my best to proofread and make this chapter really good but I'm really rusty. I hope you liked the first chapter!! Comments are appreciated and welcomed!  
> If you'd like to talk or see previews, my twitter is: nohyuck_!!


	2. Inhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck deals with the repercussions of his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Because of You by Kelly Clarkson while writing this chapter if you want to give it a listen.
> 
> As always, the end notes clarify and go over things of importance

When Donghyuck wearily opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was white. His first thought is that maybe he did die. Maybe he had succeeded.

He realized that he is not dead but in a hospital a few seconds later when he saw his members sitting in uncomfortable looking chairs.

He briefly wondered how all of his hyungs managed to convince the hospital staff to let them stay.

He rubbed his eyes, unsure if he was seeing correctly. _Why would they be here, didn't they want him gone?_

“Hyung?”

Every single one of his hyungs turned to look at him. All of them had puffy eyes which surprised him. _Did they cry...over him?_

 _“_ Donghyuck” Doyoung called out as he walked over to him. He stared at his hyung, trying to hide the shock on his face. Doyoung was proud of his thick skin and his ability to never let things get to him. He had never seen his hyung look so vulnerable, so _sad_ before.

“Donghyuck” he repeated softly as he kneeled beside him.

“Hyung” Donghyuck choked out and that was all it took for Doyoung to hug him. He tried not to notice how wet his shoulder felt as his hyung hugged him.

Donghyuck's eyes burned as he inhaled, doing everything he could to hold back his tears. His hyung was hugging him tightly as if he would disappear right before his eyes, yet gently enough, as if Donghyuck was something precious, something _breakable._

Doyoung released him from the hug but remained by his side.

Taeyong sat next to Donghyuck and he turned to look at his hyung. Taeyong looked tired, the weight of all his problems heavy on his shoulders. He looked at Donghyuck with guilty red rimmed eyes.

“Donghyuck-ah” Taeyong said shakily, “Hyung is so sorry”

Donghyuck blinked. _Did he hear that correctly?_

“All of us, we're supposed to protect you, make sure sure you're okay. We failed you. We pushed you towards this and your hyungs are _so_ sorry.”

Donghyuck stared at Taeyong in disbelief. He expected to be scolded, to be told that he did something wrong, that he proved everyone right by fucking up yet again.

He never expected an apology, he never expected Taeyong to look like he was seconds away from falling apart because he thought he lost Donghyuck.

His lip wobbled as he looked around, all of his hyungs looking at him with worry. None of their eyes held judgment or anger.

“I-I’m so sorry!”Donghyuck cried out as he hid his face in his hands. His shoulders shook as he cried.

_How could he be so stupid? Did he seriously think that no one would miss him, that his hyungs wanted him gone. Every single one of them had cried over the thought of losing him._

“Please forgive, i'm so sorry” Donghyuck weeped. He could feel Doyoung rubbing his back in comfort but it did nothing to stop the shame rising inside him.

"Shh it's okay Hyuck, we're not mad we promise" Johnny said as he walked towards him. He wrapped his arms around Donghyuck and rocked him back and forth, his voice making soothing sounds whenever Donghyuck sobbed.

For a few minutes, Donghyuck could pretend that everything was okay. That Johnny was comforting him over a nightmare and not because he was unsuccessful with taking his own life.

  
Donghyuck inhaled shakily,  _I'm so sorry,_ he whispered over,

and,

over,

again.

 

* * *

                             

It took an hour after Donghyuck cried for the doctor to come in and check on him. The doctor gave all the hyungs in the room a look that Donghyuck could not decipher.

“I'd like to talk to Mr. Lee” The doctor said, breaking the silence in the crowded room, “Alone please”

The hyungs looked hesitant to leave Donghyuck alone but the stern look from the doctor made them leave with little to no hesitation.

Donghyuck gulped and faced the doctor, afraid of what he was going to say.

“You know Mr. Lee,” The doctor said as he looked at Donghyuck’s vitals, “You're one of the lucky ones”

Donghyuck gave him a confused look, unsure of why _he_ was a lucky one in this situation.

“I see a lot of patients like you in my profession. People of all walks of life, some rich, some poor, that are desperate enough to attempt to end their life. Many of them have no one, no family or friends to yell or cry for them. I won't invalidate your sadness because it's very much valid and real, but you're one of the lucky ones. You have people who care so much about you that they were willing to fight my staff to stay with you until you woke up”

Donghyuck bit his lip in order to stop himself from crying again. He never thought he could feel so _guilty._

The doctor looked at Donghyuck and sighed, “Son, I'm not saying this to hurt you, to make you feel guilty for what you did. I just want to remind you that you have people who care very much about you. The depression, the ugly voice in your head makes you believe you have no one, that you're better off dead than alive but it's not true. I witnessed your brothers weep for you, blame themselves, asking themselves how they could've prevented this.”

Anger spiked in Donghyuck. The words, _asking themselves how they could've prevented this,_  repeating over and over in his mind.

The doctor's voice brought him out of his trance.

“You have a lot to process and deal with. There is a lot of healing that must be done, both internally and externally. If it was up to me, you would be moved to another ward where you would be hospitalised for another week but” the doctor gave a resigned sigh, “Your company has paid enough money for that not to occur. You'll be released after I leave this room. I have prescribed antidepressants and therapy for you to the doctor at your company. Whether or not they chose to move forward with either of those, is like I said, unfortunately not up to me but I truly hope you will heal and move on”

Donghyuck stared at the Doctor who gave him one last look before walking out of the room.     

              

* * *

 

Donghyuck was discharged quietly. The outside world would not and could not know about what had occurred in the last 24 hours.

He found it funny, in a sad way, that life moved on, even when his entire life had changed. The world didn’t care for Donghyuck's problems, it continued to spin with or without him. 

He was quiet on the ride home and he knew his hyungs were worried but he brewed in anger and sadness. The doctor's words clung in his mind, how his hyungs had asked _how they could've prevented all of this_.

The words burned him from the inside out. The idea that they wanted to prevent what had happened, as if Donghyuck's deteriorating mental health was a burden, a task on a check list that could be postponed for later.

What angered and hurt Donghyuck the most was knowing that his hyungs could not see that they were a big reason why he had sunk so low and preferred to drown then ask for their help.

Yuta placed his arm around Donghyuck as they exited the car and Donghyuck pushed it off him.

He didn't care to see his hyung’s reaction as he walked over to Doyoung and stayed close to him.

_Doyoung never ignored him, never told him to stop, he was the only good hyung Donghyuck had._

Doyoung gave him a look that he ignored as he cuddled closer to his favorite hyung. He was glad that he at least had one person who wanted him there. 

 

* * *

 

Donghyuck begged the 127 manager, who had hugged Donghyuck very softly when he was discharged, to let him spend the night in the dream dorms.

He saw the hesitance on his manager's face but when he made the promise to have a talk with his hyungs and not avoid them, he knew he had won.

He had enough clothes in the dream dorm, having spent his last few weeks there, so he had no reason to join the hyungs at the 127 dorm. It was a blessing in disguise.

He politely told the hyungs where he was going, not caring to look them in the eye and only stopping to give Doyoung a hug before leaving. Doyoung hugged him tightly and told him to have fun with the dreamies. The look on his face warned Donghyuck that they would be having a talk soon, but he ignored it and accepted the kiss on the cheek from Doyoung.

As he walked towards the dream dorms, it suddenly hit him that he would have to deal with the reaction of the other dreamies. The manager had warned him that the hyungs had told the dreamies what had occurred.

He gave a resigned sigh as he entered the dorm. _It was now or never._

The first thing he saw was Chenle and Jisung cuddled on the couch. He smiled wistfully, he loved Chenle and Jisung so much, it made his heart ache.

“Hyung!” Chenle yelled when he spotted Donghyuck standing by the entrance. He jumped off the couch, knocking Jisung on to the floor, and ran to him.

Chenle hugged him tenderly, almost as if Donghyuck would break. He didn’t deserve the love Chenle gave him so easily. He heard Jisung before he felt his arms around him.

“Hyung, we were so scared” Chenle told him as tears fell down his face, “Taeyong hyung told us what happened but they wouldn't let us see you!”

“We're sorry hyung, if we ever made you feel like you didn't belong” Jisung had begun to cry as well.

Donghyuck's heart broke as he saw his precious dongsaengs cry.

“Chenle, Jisung” He started, his throat dry, “I love you guys so much. I'm sorry for what I did. You guys never did anything wrong, I promise you that”

Chenle cried, “We never want to lose you hyung, never!”

Donghyuck didn't know that he _needed_  to hear those words, but as soon as Chenle said them, he began to cry.

“I'm so sorry, please forgive me” he repeated as he hugged the two close to him.

“Shh, it's okay Hyuckie” A warm voice said, breaking him out of the negative mindset he had begun to spiral to.

He looked up and saw Renjun smiling at him, his eyes full of love and warmth. Behind him stood Jaemin and Jeno, soft smiles on their faces as they stared at him with fondness.

 _He was home._            

 

* * *

 

“How are you feeling?”

Donghyuck blinked the sleep away as he turned to look at Jaemin who was leaning on the counter.

After all of them had cried and hugged, they had decided to watch movies together to ease any tension or sadness away.  It quickly became a cuddle pile with Donghyuck sandwiched in the middle.

Donghyuck absolutely loved it. He was a clingy person, he needed constant skinship to feel happy and validated. Jaemin and Chenle had claimed the spaces next to him on the couch with the rest of the dreamies near or on top of them.

The babies, as Donghyuck affectionately called them, had fallen asleep during the fourth Harry Potter movie, leaving everyone else awake.

The adults as Jeno liked to call 00 line and himself, had relocated to the kitchen for a talk. He knew he couldn’t escape it and if he was being honest with himself, he didn't want to escape it. Donghyuck loved and trusted Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin with his life. They deserved to talk, scold or yell at him at him for what he did, they had every right to do so. 

“I don't know” Donghyuck said simply, “A few hours ago I was ready to die without a single care in the world. Now I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel. Being here with you guys, Chenle and Jisung, I feel happy, at ease. I can pretend everything is okay, that I'm okay but then i step outside and I feel like I can't breath.

Renjun intertwined their fingers together and squeezed his hand softly.

“I think that's understandable considering what's happened” Jeno started, “When Taeyong hyung told us what happened, we cried obviously but we also talked about it. We weren't angry at you, god no, we just felt some disappointment, some disbelief but also some acceptance. We knew whatever we felt would be a hundred times worse for you.”

Jeno reached forward and cupped Donghyuck’s cheeks. He felt his cheeks burn at the intensity of Jeno’s stare.

“We love you, so much Lee Donghyuck. Even if you doubt everyone else, never doubt us. We are always going to be here for you Hyuckie but you need to let us in. Tell us about your problems, about your insecurities, don't be afraid to tell us when you're sad or afraid. We don't want to lose our sunshine”

“You're such a sap” Donghyuck teased. He heard Jaemin snort but Jeno gave him an unimpressed look.

Donghyuck sighed, “I promise to tell you guys when something is wrong. I love you guys too much and as cheesy as you all are, I don't want to leave any of you”

“Cheesy? Jeno is the only one that's cheesy” Jaemin piped up.

Jeno took his hands off Donghyuck's face, and turned to glare at Jaemin.

“We are having a serious conversation right now Nana”

“I know that!” Jaemin exclaimed, “Trust me babe I know, but I know Hyuckie like the back of my hand. He's being honest with us and he knows we care about him. He doesn't like having serious talks and I don't want us to make him feel more uncomfortable about this whole situation, when all we want to do is show him we care”

Jaemin came closer to the other three, “Plus I think all of his main problems are with the hyungs”

Jeno sighed and turned to Renjun who shrugged.

“Fine” Jeno said, “But my point still stands. We're here for you Hyuck and no matter what happens, we'll always support you”

Donghyuck smiled shyly, “I know, and I really appreciate it. I know that it's not easy to love me or put up with me yet all 3 of you do it with little to no complaints”

Renjun rolled his eyes, “We don't put up with you dummy, we're here because we want to”

“Also you're the only one who knows how to properly cook” Jaemin said with a smirk.

Donghyuck pretended to glare at Jaemin, “I knew you guys only wanted me for skills”

He pretended to walk away but 3 sets of hands pulled him back. 

“You're stuck with us now doofus” Renjun said with a satisfied smile.

“Yeah and you love us too much to let us starve”

“I mean I guess but go off” Donghyuck said as he stuck his tongue out.

Jeno chuckled fondly as Jaemin protested and began to pepper kisses on Donghyuck's face as ‘revenge.’ He looked at Renjun, his eye's sparkling with happiness, and joined Jaemin.

Donghyuck's giggles were loud and bright as the three people he loved most in the world, placed kisses on his face. 

 

* * *

 

Morning came too soon and Donghyuck dreaded going back to the 127 dorm. He had begged the manager to let him stay one more night but he had been turned down immediately.

“It won't be so bad Hyuckie, just be honest with them” Jeno had reassured him as he played with Donghyuck's hair.

“Yeah, and if it does goes bad, Renjun will beat all of them up for you!” Jaemin said as tightened his hold on Donghyuck's waist.

Renjun nodded fiercely in agreement, “I can take them, just let me know when and where”

Donghyuck had laughed and kissed Renjun’s cheek, “My hero!”

He wished he could go back to being with Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin instead of standing outside the 127 dorm. He had been standing there for five minutes, too anxious to go inside. 

_Ugh, might as well get it over with._

Donghyuck entered the dorm and was surprised to see all of his hyungs sitting in the living room.

He cautiously took off his shoes and put on his pikachu slippers, a gift from Chenle and Jisung.

“Donghyuck, sit down, let's talk”

Warning signs rung in Donghyuck's mind as he heard Taeyong say those words. _Fuck, this was not going to end well._

He sat down on the couch closest to the door just in case he had to make a quick exit.

“What did you want to talk about hyung” Donghyuck said nonchalantly, hoping that if he played stupid, they wouldn't have to do this.

“We need to talk about what happened Donghyuck” Taeyong said seriously, “I know we didn't get a proper chance to do so at the hospital”

Donghyuck breathed in to keep his anxiety down. _He didn't want to do this!_

“We know that you were hurt Donghyuck but you can't just escape your problems by doing what you did” Taeyong continued. 

_Breathe in, inhale, exhale, do not explode._

“If we hurt you then you have to speak up Donghyuck, we can't assume for you” Yuta said and the others nodded in agreement.

Donghyuck clenched his jaw, his nails digging into the palm of his hand. _If we hurt you, if, if, if._

It felt like a slap to the face, a stinging pain so sharp he almost flinched. The _members_ couldn't even fathom to think they hurt Donghyuck. They didn't think their harsh words, cold behaviors and distance hurt Donghyuck at all.

He wasn't Haechan who could take an insult, he was Lee Donghyuck who wore a mask to pretend it didn't hurt.

“We all struggle in this industry, it's not easy, you need to learn how to handle it if you want to be an idol” Mark said carelessly.

Donghyuck stared at Mark with an open mouth. _Did he seriously just--?_

“God you're such a fucking asshole” Donghyuck yelled as his self control snapped. His shoulders shook with uncontrollable anger. He was done, he was absolutely done with all their bullshit.

“Lee Donghyuck apologize to your hyung right now!” Taeyong said, his face flushed in anger and confusion.

Donghyuck had never raised his voice before, especially not at someone older than him.

“No I am absolutely fucking done” Donghyuck yelled, a few tears falling down his face, “You want to talk Taeyong hyung then let's talk”

“Let's talk about how for the last few months no one in this room gave a damn shit about me. How many times did every single one of you yell at me for not getting the choreo right. I'm seventeen years old, I'm a kid, give me a break. I've been doing my absolute best trying to rehearse with both units while resisting the urge to blow my damn brains out. You want to talk hyung, okay I'll talk to each one of you”

Donghyuck had only just got started, he didn't care that his hyungs looked hurt or guilty, nope not this time.

“Taeil hyung you're the oldest, you're supposed to look out for us, for me. How many times did I go to you asking for help, only for you to shove me aside and tell me to catch up. I can't get better if there's no one there for me.”

Donghyuck turned to Yuta and Johnny that were sitting together, “ How about you, Yuta hyung, or you Johnny hyung? Of all people you should know how insecure I am, how I need skinship to feel like I'm actually worth something. I understood that you guys were tired, god I did, but when you say you're tired then turn around to coddle Mark it hurts. I get it, I'm a lousy, annoying brat I _know_ that but you didn't have to pretend to be tired. You could've just told me upfront”

His eyes locked with Winwin, “I can't say much for you Winwin hyung, I just wish you wouldn't go along with them. I know I'm annoying but I thought you of all people would know what it feels like to be excluded”

Donghyuck gave Doyoung a small smile. “Doyoung hyung, you did your best. I know that I'm awful and that it's hard to put up with me, I honestly don't know how the dreamies do it, but you were always there for me. Thank you for remembering I exist”

Donghyuck's eyes landed on Mark, “You. Do you know how much you fucking hurt me? I thought about this for _months_ , of telling you how I really feel. I'm sorry I caught feelings for you, god knows why you're literally an asshole, but you didn't have to put me through all of that. You could've told me, you could've talked to me Mark.”

Donghyuck rubbed at the tears falling down his face. “We were best friends Mark. Best friends don't hurt each other. They don't ignore each other and put the other down. I've been there for you since we were trainees! I supported you, I made sure you were okay, I was always there! Why did it change Mark? What did I do wrong?”

Donghyuck sobbed and wiped his eyes again.

“Taeyong hyung you're supposed to be a leader, you're supposed to understand. Why aren't you understanding? I'm just a kid hyung. I'm doing my best but none of you care! You always forget me. I know I'm not important but it still hurts so much”

Donghyuck was crying nonstop now, his words slurring a little,

“I hate it so much, I hate being here. I hate being in 127 _so much._ None of you get it and you never will. It's awful and it makes me so sad. I loved being in this unit, now I hate it so much.”

“I-I” Donghyuck said in gasps as he cried more, “I just want to go home”

He knew he would make himself sick if he didn't stop but it hurt _so_ bad.

“Shhh Hyuckie it's okay”

“Calm down baby you'll make yourself sick”

“Hyuckie we're here”

Donghyuck looked up when he heard three familiar voices.

“I-Injunnie, Jeno, Jaemin” Donghyuck cried out, “Please take me away! They hurt me, please! I want to go home”

“Shh, we'll take you home, c'mon” Jeno said as he guided Donghyuck out of the 127 Dorm. He swore he heard Renjun yell but it all felt like a blur.

“Sleep baby, we're here” Jaemin said to him softly. He didn't know how he had gotten to a bed so quickly but he didn't question it. He let his tears dry out and cuddled into the warmth provided by Jaemin and Jeno.

He inhaled once more, listening to Jeno’s soft voice before his eyes closed and it all went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a wild ride y'all. Hyuckie goes through a lot :(. I want to say a big thank you to everyone who read, gave kudos, bookmarked and commented. I love and appreciate all of you ♡  
> Okay time to discuss!  
> \- Did anyone catch the significance of the titles, Donghyuck actually says them in the chapter!  
> \- I know I said I wouldn't include norenhyuckmin but it jumped out while I was writing. It's not ''confirmed' so for right now its still strong hints. I might make them get together officially in the epilogue, we'll see! Reminder, if that's not your cup of tea, feel free not to read.  
> \- Donghyuck ripped into his hyungs huh? It was so sad to write his breakdown scene. He was so angry but he finally broke down and told the hyungs all the pain they put him through. I added swear words because I thought it fit, I hope it did  
> \- Donghyuck switches between members and hyungs because of his conflicting feelings towards them. They hurt him but they're still important to him  
> \- If you're wondering why the hyungs went from apologetic in the beginning to kind of mean at the end, it's because I wanted to be realistic. In my experience people are really sorry in the beginning but as time passes they get defensive and mean as they deny the fact that their actions weren't the best and caused actual harm  
> \- Chapter 1 and 2 ended the same but differently, I hope you guys liked that  
> \- One of the hyungs called norenmin when they saw how bad Hyuck was getting thats why they show up at the end  
> \- Hyuck didn't say anything about Jaehyun because Jaehyun never really did anything wrong plus his old crush on him stopped Hyuck from lashing out at him  
> \- Hyuck calls Sicheng 'Winwin' because as stated in the last chapter, they're not really close and he feels like a burden to him so he's not even sure if he deserves to call him by his birth name  
> \- Aren't Chenle and Jisung the cutest uwu?
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on twitter: @ nohyuck_ ! I post previews and cry over Donghyuck.


	3. Exhale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck learns to heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson while writing this chapter.
> 
> *Notes at the end of the chapter as always

When Donghyuck awoke, he felt warm, _too_ warm. Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin were asleep around him, their bodies shaped in different ways to make sure that some part of themselves was touching Donghyuck. The body heat was overwhelming for Donghyuck who was use to sleeping alone in the 127 dorms.

He stared at the ceiling, a small smile on his face. The night before had been a mess but as always, Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin had been there to save him. He wished he could properly vocalize how much their support meant to him.

He laid there for a few minutes before his body started to become restless. Donghyuck had always been the kind of person that could never stay still. He didn't want to wake any of them up but he felt too jittery to not move.

He tried to stretch as quietly and carefully as he could in the small space he had.

“Ugh” he heard Jeno groan, “Donghyuck you just hit me”

“Sorry” He said back quietly, “I want to get up but I didn't want to wake any of you”

“Oh thank god,” Renjun spoke up, “I thought you were asleep Hyuck and I didn't know how long I could continue to fake sleep”

“This is lovely but can you guys be quiet” Jaemin said, his voice muffled by the pillow his face leaned on, “ _Some_ people are trying to sleep”

Jaemin had never been a morning person, even before his back injury.

“I think it's time we got up” Jeno said taking charge, “I'm sure the brats are awake and it won't be long before one of them barges in demanding something”

Donghyuck poked Jaemin, who was right next to him. “Rise and shine Nana”

"Fuck off” Jaemin whined as he cuddled closer to Donghyuck, “Just because you're the actual embodiment of the sun, doesn't mean we can all get up before noon”

Donghyuck blushed at the compliment. Renjun cooed teasingly from where he was laying down.

Donghyuck smirked as he maneuvered himself. He reached forward with his feet and pushed Renjun off the bed.

“FUCK”

Donghyuck laughed before rushing off the bed and into the bathroom. Renjun banged on the door, trying to get to him.

“Donghyuck open the door!”

“No thanks, I'm good” Donghyuck remarked. He laughed as Jaemin complained and Jeno tried to calm Renjun down.

God, he was so glad to be home.

 

* * *

 

It took a while for Renjun to promise not to fight Donghyuck as soon as he left the bathroom. Jeno had to mediate the entire conversation through the bathroom door as Jaemin laughed in the background.

 _What an asshole,_ Donghyuck thought fondly.

Renjun made sure to punch Donghyuck as they finished getting dressed. He pouted but Renjun ignored his attempts at being cute.

At least Jeno appreciated his effort.

Renjun and Jeno started bickering about breakfast as they all walked into the kitchen. Jaemin was trying to convince Donghyuck to be on his side when they had to decide what cartoon they would watch.

“Hey!” Renjun said, catching onto what Jaemin was doing, “We are watching moomin and that's final---”

“Ge!”

Chenle called out, as he walked over to them, interrupting Renjun, “Manager hyung-nim wants to see Donghyuck hyung”

Donghyuck gave them a panicked look, no doubt the hyungs had told the managers about what occurred the night before. Maybe he was finally going to be kicked out of NCT, he always wondered when the day would come.

“I’ll be right there” Donghyuck said as Jeno rubbed his shoulder to comfort him.

He could see Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin eavesdropping as he walked over to the 127 manager. They tried not to look suspicious but they failed as Jeno almost broke a cup.

“Hi” Donghyuck said shyly. He was expecting a scolding, something to let him know that his behavior last night had been unacceptable.

“Lee Soo-man wants to speak to you” Was the only thing the manager said. He heard Jaemin whisper “fuck” before he was shushed by Renjun and Jeno.

“He wants to see me?” Donghyuck repeated back. The manager nodded seriously. Geez, how bad did Donghyuck mess up.

“When? 

“Now”

“Now?” Donghyuck repeated again. He could tell the manager was trying not to roll his eyes at him.

“Yes, now come with me. I'll be taking you to the company”

“Okay” Donghyuck said, still at a loss for words. He turned around to look at Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin. They were all give him supportive looks but he could tell they were just as nervous as he was.

 He walked out of the dorm, following the manager who led him to the company car.

_Here goes nothing._

 

* * *

 

 

Donghyuck was kind of afraid, okay no, he was scared shitless.

Although Lee Soo-man has resigned from his position as part of the board of directors at SM, everyone knew he still had a position of power and significance. A lot of the time he spoke on the behalf of the CEOs who didn't have enough time to speak with their profit makers themselves.

He entered the company following the manger to the room where he would know his fate.

They passed the practice rooms and Donghyuck had to hold back a smile. He remembered when he was 13 and he would spend hours practicing until either Jaemin or Jeno would come get him.

Not for the first time, he ached to go back to his trainee days. When his biggest worry was whether or not Jaehyun would tell him he did a good job. He remembered all the times Jaemin would have an annoyed look on his face as Donghyuck talked about Jaehyun. Donghyuck made sure to talk about him even more, just to mess with him.

His thoughts were interrupted when the manager stopped him.

“I'll wait for you outside.”

Donghyuck nodded and thanked him. He breathed in, hoping it would help calm his nerves.

He opened the door and walked into the large room. At the end of the long table sat Lee Soo-man.

“Haechan, please, take a seat”

Donghyuck walked over slowly and took a seat. Donghyuck had only met Lee Soo-man twice in his time at SM. Once when he had first been accepted into SM, the second when Lee Soo-man had gathered the trainees around to explain the concept of NCT.

“You wanted to see me sir” Donghyuck said politely. He didn't want to accidentally be rude to the man who could end his career with only a snap of his fingers.

“Haechan, your managers told me what  occurred the last two days.”He started, “Although at times, it may seem questionable, SM does care for the wellbeing of their idols. When we learned that you attempted to end your life, the company got together to access the damage and come up with a solution. However, when your manager told us about the argument you had with your members, we knew that more serious options needed to be created in order to assure that SM and yourself would have a good outcome”

 _Oh god, here it comes._ Lee Donghyuck’s small, barely started career was coming to an end.

“The company and I have come up with two possible solutions for you Haechan. The first option is that you drop out of the 127 lineup. The company will announce that there was a mishap and that NCT 127 was always meant to be an open unit but seeing as it was successful, there was no need stated to state otherwise. This way fans will not be mad at you or the company, it was a simple mishap and unfortunately you were put in that crossfire. You would of course have to give a press statement declaring that in no way or shape was the company at fault and that you are more than happy to just be in NCT Dream for the time being. I assume the last bit will be easy on your part”

Donghyuck blinked. This conversation took a completely different turn then what he had expected.

“The second option is…?” He questioned quietly. His mind was a mess as he pondered the idea of leaving 127 and only promoting with Dream. It sounded too good to be true.

“The second option is one I would think about very carefully.” Lee Soo-man warned, “From past endeavors, you would know that SM is not very, _forgiving,_ about the length of their contracts. SM requires a 10 year contract for every debuted group or soloist. You would know this considering you signed said contract. SM has decided that should the first option not work for you, that you are given the opportunity to terminate your contract. SM does not want to deal with this sort of problem again and it would be easier on their behalf to explain why you terminated your contract now then later. Should you choose this option, SM will terminate your contract at a scheduled meeting, you will take your things and you will no longer be allowed to debut or train at SM nor any of SM’s partnered companies.”

Donghyuck stared at Lee Soo-man in disbelief. _He could leave, just like that? He could go back to having a normal life?_

“I-I don't know which option would be better for me, sir” Donghyuck said quietly. He had no idea what to think. This was possibly the hardest decision Donghyuck had ever had to made.

“Understandable. We will give you time to think about your options, however SM would like a response as soon as possible”

Donghyuck nodded and allowed himself to be excused. He exited the room and exhaled.

Well, it looked like he had a big decision to make.

 

* * *

 

On the ride home, Donghyuck pondered his options. On one hand, he could leave 127 and remain in dream until he graduated. It sounded like the most sensible option but he wondered about what he would do _after_ he graduated from dream. 127 had been his safety net, even after he would graduate from Dream, he had the security of 127 being a fixed unit.

On the other hand, he could leave all of SM to begin with. It was kind of petty to leave SM only because of 127 but he didn't know how he would survive if he stayed in the same toxic environment for years. He had only been in NCT for over a year and he almost killed himself. He couldn't imagine the harm he would do to himself if he to remain for _years._

He thought about all of the hyungs that had left SM while he had been at the company.

He never saw Kris leave, he had only seen the aftermath, how Junmyeon would cry in the practice rooms when he thought no one was awake and how Sehun clung to his members, hoping no one else would leave.

Luhan had given him a small smile, they had never been close, when he left. Luhan mostly stuck with Johnny and the other chinese trainees so his departure never affected Donghyuck like it did other people. He had only wished his hyung the best and hoped that he never ended up like him.

Tao’s departure was quiet and deadly. He remembered how Renjun and Winwin cried, asking why they kept losing the only people who understood them, that understood the struggle of being so far from home. After Tao left, SM was harder on the trainees, doing their best to kill the problem at the source, to weddle the weak out of their company.

Hansol leaving had broken the defenses SM had forced him to build. It wasn't sunbaenims he admired that was leaving, it was someone who had been there for him, that had trained with him for _years_ that was leaving. He never begged Hansol to stay, he had no right too.

A part of him always wondered if leaving was worth the pain it caused.

Now he had to answer that for himself.

As he arrived to the Dream dorm, he thought about all of the things he had missed out on. He barely saw his mother who he loved dearly and his family had grown without him. Whenever he got to spend time with his family, he felt awkward, unsure of where he belonged. Most of the time he inwardly begged to be back at the company to escape the sadness that being with his family brought.

Being an idol meant being perfect. Donghyuck had grown up being loved, he never had to doubt his worth or question whether or not he was enough. When he became a trainee, he had to learn to hate what he once loved. The beautiful skin he loved was too dark, too dirty, his brown eyes were bland, everything about him was _wrong._

He hated it. He wanted to love his skin, to wear the clothes he deemed fashionable, to love _boys_. He signed a contract to be part of NCT, not a contract to rip him apart until only Haechan remained.

“Hyuck you're back!” Jeno exclaimed. Donghyuck was pulled from his thoughts as Jeno jogged over to him.

“Oh is Hyuckie back?” He heard Renjun ask from down the hall.

“That's what he just said Injunnie, keep up, I know you're old”

Donghyuck heard shuffling and laughed when he saw Renjun walk in with Jaemin in a chokehold.

“Jeno tell him to let me go!!” Jaemin whined as he struggled against Renjun’s hold.

“You had it coming Nana” Jeno said with a laugh, his famous eye smile on display.

Jaemin rolled his eyes, “Thanks for nothing Jeno. I thought there was only one snake in this house but apparently there's two!”

Donghyuck laughed, “You're so dramatic”

Renjun smirked, “Pot calling the kettle black, Hyuck”

“Whatever, just let Nana go” Donghyuck said with a pout.

Renjun huffed, upset that he couldn't torture Jaemin for longer. He released Jaemin from the chokehold, who breathed dramatically and placed a hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder.

“My savior, the only real friend I have” Jaemin said with his eyes closed, his other hand on his chest.

 _Why do I like him so much?_ Donghyuck asked himself in wonder as he stared at Jaemin.

“Where are Chenle and Jisung?”

“The babies are at the U dorm. Taeyong tried to get them to come over to the 127 dorm for a ‘talk’ so they're hiding with Kun ge” Renjun answered.

Jaemin narrowed his eyes, “Stop avoiding the topic Hyuckie, what happened? What did Lee Soo-man hyung-nim say?”

Donghyuck bit his lip, unsure of how to tell them about his options.

“Well, he sat me down and told me SM had given me two options” He began, “My first option was that I could drop out of 127 and just promote with Dream. He said that SM would just say it was a mishap”

“That sounds great!” Jeno said happily, “You won't have to deal with the hyungs and you'll get to be with us all the time!”

“What about when we graduate from Dream?” Renjun asked with concern for their future.

“He didn't specify, all he said was that I would promote with Dream for the time being”

“What's your second option?” Jaemin asked. Donghyuck didn't like the tone of Jaemin’s voice. It's almost, as if he knew. Donghyuck doubted it but no one could see through him better than Jaemin could.

“The second one…” Donghyuck started, “The second option is to leave SM as a whole. SM is willing to terminate my contract, they don't want to deal with this kind of thing again.”

“What?” Renjun and Jeno exclaimed, their eyes wide is disbelief. Jaemin took a step back quietly.

He could feel Jaemin’s eyes looking at him but Donghyuck avoided making eye contact. He knew Jaemin was looking for a hint, a look, _anything_ to prove his suspicions wrong.

“You...You didn't think about option two did you?” Renjun asked hesitantly.

“Of course he didn't Injunnie! Donghyuck would never leave us” Jeno exclaimed defensively.

The idea that Donghyuck would leave was unbelievable to Jeno. He had so much faith in him. _If only he knew_.

“You know Jeno, you have a lot of faith in Donghyuck” Jaemin said sharply, his eyes cold.

“What? Of course I do Nana! I know Hyuckie” Jeno said, turning to give Jaemin a look that told him to stand down.

“Do you really?” Jaemin taunted, “Do you really know _your_ ‘Hyuckie’ Jeno?”

“Jaemin!” Renjun called out angrily, “Knock it off.”

Renjun never asserted his dominance as the eldest, it never worked like it did with the hyungs since they were all the same age. The  look on Renjun’s face, however, could rival Taeyong’s.

“I just think its funny that Jeno thinks Donghyuck didn't think about the second option” Jaemin mocked, “When in fact he did.”

Jeno and Renjun turned to look at Donghyuck, who had remained silent the entire time. His inside swirled with guilt as he avoided Jeno’s pleading gaze.

“No, Donghyuck, you didn't” Jeno said, his voice wavering. Donghyuck wished he never saw the look of hurt on Jeno’s face.

Donghyuck's eyes found Jeno’s, his eyes begging him to understand. Seeing Jeno’s face contour in pain as he _processed_ the fact that Jaemin was right, broke something in Donghyuck.

A tear fell down Donghyuck's face as he bit down on his lip.

 _I'm sorry,_ he wanted to say but the words would not come out.

“He doesn't love us Jeno,” Jaemin said harshly. Donghyuck wondered how many times Jaemin had told Jeno that, as the words came out too easily from his mouth. “He wants to leave. In fact I think he should get a head start!”

Donghyuck took a step back as Jaemin advanced on him.

“Get out. Leave!” Jaemin yelled, “See if we care! Good luck finding people who _love_ you the way we do!”

“Jaemin please think about what're you saying” Renjun cried out. He tried to get Jaemin to calm down but Jaemin pushed him away.

“If you want to leave then do it already! Spare us the pain of losing you, once and for all”

Donghyuck wept silently before turning around and running out the door. The door swung around carelessly and he almost tripped as he made his way down the stairs.

“Donghyuck!”

“Hyuckie please! Come back he doesn't mean it!”

Donghyuck ignored the cries from Renjun, it was too late.

Donghyuck had lost the three people he loved most.

 

* * *

 

Donghyuck was an idiot.

Nothing proved it more than the last three days of Donghyuck fucking up constantly.

He had left the Dream dorm, ultimately proving Jaemin right, without telling anyone where he was going. It was not smartest decision but he couldn't be in the Dream dorm, not after the fight he just had with Jaemin.

All he had on him was his phone and his mostly empty wallet. Donghyuck wished he at least grabbed his sweater as the winter breeze still remained.

He ran into an alley, hoping no one had seen or recognized him. He wiped the tears off his face as he pulled out his phone and dialed up the number of the only person he could go to.

“Hyung I need to see you right now”

Donghyuck ran towards the meeting place, a small cafe that only he and one other person knew about. They use to visit it all the time when Donghyuck was a trainee.

He walked into the cafe, the bell ringing as he opened the door. He smiled at the woman in charge of the register, who looked surprised to see him after so long.

He looked for an empty table and sat down. As he waited for his hyung, he took out his phone to distract him from everything that had happened.

He grimaced when he saw missed calls and messages from everyone, even the managers. The 00 line group chat had over 50 messages but he didn't attempt to look at them. Not now, not when he had hurt them so bad.

He sighed and turned his phone off and waited. It felt like eternity before he heard the door open. He looked up and smiled widely when he saw who it was.

The person walked up to the register to order then began to walk over to the table where Donghyuck was sat.

“You're still short I see”

“Not all of us can be giants Hansol hyung” Donghyuck said as he rolled his eyes.

Hansol chuckled fondly, “Get over here and hug me”

Donghyuck smiled widely as he launched himself into Hansol’s arms.

“I missed you so much hyung” Donghyuck said quietly. He could hear the sadness in his own voice.

Everyone knew that Hansol has been good friends with Yuta and the other trainees once the units started to debut, but no one knew how close Donghyuck and Hansol were.

“I missed you too Hyuckie” Hansol said as they parted from the hug.

Hansol looked different from the last time Donghyuck had seen him. The last time he had seen Hansol, they had been crying as Hansol moved out of the dorms and left SM for good.

Hansol looked happy, his eyes didn't look sad like they use to, he looked refreshed and new.

Maybe leaving SM was the best for some people. He of all people knew how draining SM could be. He was glad his hyung was free from all of that.

“What's wrong Hyuck? You sounded distressed on the phone” Hansol asked as they sat down.

Donghyuck exhaled and began to tell Hansol everything that had occured in the last three days. He watched his hyung tear up and pull him closer as he finished his story.

Their order was called out and Donghyuck volunteered to get it so that Hansol would be able to collect himself.

He grabbed Hansol’s coffee and his mango smoothie with a fond smile. Hansol still knew his order even though it had been more than a year since the last time they had visited the cafe.

When he came back to the table, Hansol was in deep thought.

“I have a few things to say so bare with me okay?” Donghyuck nodded.

“First, I’m going to kick all of 127’s asses, when I left, I told them to take care of you. They had no right to treat you the way they did and I'm proud of you for finally telling them off. They need someone to yell at them so they get back to their senses. Second of all, you're a dummy --”

“Hey!”

“Shush. Donghyuck I left SM because they had no use for me. I'm getting older Hyuckie, I had been a trainee for so long and they had no plans for me to debut. I didn't want to look back years from now and wonder why i let SM take my youth away. It hurt to leave but it's what I had to do. I'm happier now, I'm going to debut with UNB and I don't have to worry about my future anymore.”

Hansol smiled and Donghyuck couldn't help but smile back. It was amazing to see the difference in Hansol now that he was free of SM’s clutches.

“Thats, thats not the case for you Hyuckie and we both know it. You’re so young, you have so many more years to shine on stage with NCT. NCT is your home and no one can take that away from you. All of your hyungs, they love you. Sometimes they forget that you're not Haechan, that you're not the same person under the mask. That's on them but letting them know, communicating with them when they hurt you, that's important. That's on you Hyuckie, it's your responsibility to tell them. In this industry, we're all so busy, things slip through our fingers, sometimes we need someone to tell us that we're messing up.”

Donghyuck stared at his smoothie, he never thought about it like that. Hansol had a way of making people see what they were avoiding.

“You can't leave SM because of them and you know that. You need to talk to them, make it work. Even if it means starting all over again, you need to learn how to have a positive relationship with them like you did when we were all trainees. You know deep down that you love them. You know you can do it. My Donghyuck never gave up and I know he's still in there”

Hansol took a sip of his coffee and Donghyuck wondered if he could do it. He missed when his hyungs were his family, when they relied on each other and didn't have to worry about the stress of being an idol. _Would it be possible to go back to how it use to be?_

“Lastly, you need to make up with your boyfriends” Hansol said with a smirk.

Donghyuck choked. He coughed as Hansol looked at him in amusement. He cleared his throat as his cheeks burned in embarrassment.

“B-Boyfriends?”

Hansol hummed smugly, “Yeah your boyfriends, Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin”

“T-Theyre not, stop laughing, my boyfriends!” Donghyuck whined, his face red.

Hansol pinched his cheek, “Oh you're right, they're not your boyfriends, _yet”_

“Stooop”

Hansol let go of his cheek, “Fine, but I'm serious, you need to apologize to them. Jaemin was out of line but we both know how he gets when he's hurt. Jeno had a lot of faith in you and you let him down. You need to make it up to them. Also come to term with your own feelings, from what you told me, they are very much aware of theirs”

“I will, I'll make it up to them” Donghyuck promised. He had hurt them but he loved them, possibly in more ways than one, and he wasn't going to let them go.

 

* * *

 

 

After they finished their drinks, Hansol walked him to the 127 Dorms.

“I need to have a talk with them, but also” He flicked Donghyuck’s forehead, “You have no security with you and I have to make sure nothing happens to you”

Donghyuck felt deja vu as Hansol walked him to the dorms, it felt just like old times. They walked up the familiar stairs and stopped right in front of the door to the 127 Dorm.

“Are you ready?” Hansol whispered, he grabbed Donghyuck's hand and squeezed it for comfort.

“As ready as I'll ever be”

Donghyuck put in the familiar code and opened the door. He was surprised yet again to see most of his hyungs in the living room.

“Uh, hi”

They all turned to look at him in shock and got up. He heard Johnny yell for the others, telling them that Donghyuck had arrived, that he was _safe._

Taeyong ran over to him but stopped himself from hugging Donghyuck. He hovered over him, unsure if he was allowed to touch Donghyuck after what happened the night before.

“Lee Donghyuck, where have you been? You've been out for hours! You left no message, no call, everyone was so worried” He exclaimed.

“I'm sorry hyung, I should've left a message. I didn't mean to make you worry, I was out with Hansol hyung”

“Oh yeah, I'm here too” Hansol said with a lazy wave.

“Hansol?!”

“I'm glad you guys still remember my name,”He said sarcastically. “The kiddo called me and we talked. He was alone so I thought it'd be best if I walked him home. Also I have a bone to pick with all of you”

“Get in line” Yuta said, “Renjun tore into us last night and I'm sure it won't be long before Jeno and Jaemin come for us too”

Donghyuck suppressed a wince, he doubted Jeno and Jaemin would be doing anything for Donghyuck at the moment.

“Good” Hansol said, “You all deserve it. If I remember correctly, which I do, I made you all promise to take care of my baby”

“Hyung!”

“You're my baby and that's final” Hansol said, his hands on his hips. The look on his face dared Donghyuck to disagree.

“Fine” Donghyuck said with a huff but he had a smile on his face.

“Anyway, I'm really disappointed in all of you. I'm really close to kicking all of your asses but now is not the time. I talked to Hyuckie and we decided that you guys need to talk. What you did was inexcusable but Donghyuck shouldn't expect you guys to know what's going on with him all the time. There needs to be communication on both sides. You all need to address the problems together and talk them out like a team, like a _family”_

He saw his hyungs nod, shame and guilt on their faces.

“I'm...I’m willing to talk if you guys are” Donghyuck said quietly.

“We are!” Taeil said loudly. Donghyuck looked at him in surprise, Taeil was one of the last people Donghyuck thought would try and make peace.

"We're really sorry about everything that happened and we want to make it better” Taeyong said firmly.

“You heard them kid,” Hansol said as he headed for the door, “I need to get to practice before Euijin hyung kicks my own ass. I don't want to hear from any of you, until you work this out, okay?"

Donghyuck frowned, he never got to see Hansol in person so he was sad to see him leave.

“Don't frown Hyuckie, I'll visit more often” Hansol said as he ruffled Donghyuck's hair.

When Hansol was almost out the door, he turned around and smirked at Donghyuck “Don't forget about your boyfriends, Hyuckie”

“HYUNG!”

The door closed but Donghyuck could still hear Hansol cackling from down the hall.

Donghyuck glared at the door, he was going to spam Hansol with angry messages when he had the chance.

He heard a cough and remembered the fact that he was with the hyungs and they were suppose to be talking. _Let's hope this time it didn't end with someone crying!_

He turned to look at them, his arms crossed, and an eyebrow raised. Doyoung told him to sit and he did so wearily.

“I'll start since I'm the only one not emotionally constipated in this room” Doyoung said and ignored the half-hearted complaints from everyone else.

“Donghyuck, you had every right to yell at us. Yes we're busy but that doesn't mean we can't take time out of our day to ask how you are. If _some_ people in the room can do it do it for Mark, they can do it for you. Sometimes we forget that you're not Haechan, that you're not the indestructible maknae that we all think you are. Sometimes we forget that Lee Donghyuck is behind that mask and that he gets hurt more than we think. We need to do better at being there for you, but please let us know, let _me_ know when we mess up, okay? Hyung wants you to talk to him”

Donghyuck sniffled a little and crawled over to sit on Doyoung's lap. He loved his hyung so much. Doyoung cuddled Donghyuck and murmured his own personal apologies to him.

Doyoung shot looks to the rest of the group, telling them to speak up. Doyoung's behavior was full protective mode. Everyone knew if they messed up, Doyoung would end them on the spot.

“Donghyuck, I'm so sorry” Mark burst out. It was the first time in a while that Mark had called him by his real name. During their fight, Mark had become accustomed to calling Donghyuck by his stage name.

“I know it's my fault that we fought, I kept pushing you away and being awful to you because I didn’t know how to deal with my own feelings.”

Donghyuck heard Yuta whisper, “Oh shit, I didn't see that coming” and Doyoung smack him but it all sounded like background noise.

_What, what was Mark trying to say?_

“You were so open about your feelings and I didn't know how to handle it. We had been friends since we were kids and suddenly it was all changing. I didn't know what I felt, not that I had time to reflect on everything, we were both busy promoting for 127 and Dream. I guess all my feelings just overwhelmed me and it all exploded badly. I know what I said to you that day was out of line. I'm really sorry, of all people, I should've known better than to point out your insecurities”

Mark looked at Donghyuck with such a sad look on his face, Donghyuck _almost_ wanted to forgive him right away.

“Whatever you felt was valid but I wish you would've just said something, _anything._ If you needed space, I would've given it you. I spent months resenting you, questioning my own worth and wondering if you didn't like me because I would never compare to you” Donghyuck said quietly.

“Donghyuck no. Just because SM is dumb and chooses not to show your potential, doesn't mean that you're less than me. I wish I would've said something if you were going to think like this. I wanted to apologize so many times but when I saw you with Rejun, Jeno and Jaemin, I couldn't. You looked so happy and I was _so_ jealous. _I_ use to make you happy like that, you use to tell _me_ all your problems and insecurities, _we_ use to have inside jokes. I didn't fit in your life anymore, so I stayed away but I was so jealous and angry and I took it out on you and I'm sorry” Mark rambled, a light blush on his cheeks.

“Man I'm glad I'm past this teenager angst” he heard Johnny whisper to Jaehyun who shushed him.

“You're such an idiot Mark Lee” Donghyuck said with an eye roll.

“Hey! I mean it's true but still”

“You don't need to be jealous. You're my best friend and one very long fight is not going to change that. Are things going to take a while before they get back to normal? Of course but that doesn't mean we won't be back to annoying each other soon. We made a pact to stay together and I'm not going to let you break it. You need to talk to me about things instead of staying quiet, promise me that okay?"

“I promise. So are we good?” Mark asked with a hopeful look.

“We're good, bighead” Donghyuck said with a smirk, ignoring Mark's offended noise. Mark looked more at ease, Donghyuck hadn't noticed how tense and stressed Mark had looked the last few weeks.

There was a silence as everyone took in what happened and wondered who should speak next. The tension was slowly easing and Donghyuck didn't feel like he was going to run out of the room at any minute. He was starting to accept the fact that talking about things really helped. 

“Donghyuck, I want to apologize,” Taeyong said, looking at him intensely, “I'm your leader but I'm also your hyung. I should understand that it's not easy and you're doing your best. I'm sorry for putting unrealistic expectations on you and then getting mad when you can't reach them. I'm sorry if I ever implied that you have to be as good as someone else in order for us to love and value you. I'm sorry for forgetting you. You've always been so independent, I never had to struggle with you to clean or do your homework, so a lot of the time I forget that you need to be taken care of too. Just because I have to take care of seventeen other people doesn't mean you don't stand out to me. You're our baby, our sunshine and we need to stop forgetting that"

  
Donghyuck almost cried. He was so use to Taeyong, to _everyone_ getting mad at him for not being good and talented like Mark. Taeyong saying he was enough, that he shouldn't question his worth, that it wasn't his fault, was too validating in a way it shouldn't.

The night continued with the rest of the hyungs apologizing and promising to do better. Donghyuck swore that all of his hyungs cried at one point. 

Donghyuck was honest and told them how he felt. He never thought he would feel comfortable enough to say any of it aloud but Doyoung's comforting hold and Taeyong's encouraging smile helped him. 

He knew it would take some time before they could go back to being how they use to be but Donghyuck was hopeful. He was ready for things to look up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh we're at the second to last chapter! I can't believe the next will be the last :(! Also this chapter is so long omg! Thank you so so much for all the support and comments! Shout out to my twitter mutuals who always comment on my previews, y'all's reactions always make my day! Okay note time!:  
> \- Epilogue will fix anything that has been left open in this chapter  
> \- I know on twitter i said no angst but i had to add just a little bit! Epilogue will be happy I promise!  
> \- I've decided that norenhyuckmin will be a thing in the epilogue ! Yay for poly relationships!  
> \- Hyuck meeting LSM and all that SM stuff may seem inaccurate but I did my best and adjusted it to fit the angst/story  
> \- I had to add Hansol! I love him (Stan UNB!). I'm sorry if I got his characterization wrong, I mostly know Hansol from The Uni+/UNB and like small clips of him predebut  
> \- Jaemin is kind of harsh but it's understandable. Also did you guys get all the hints I added? Norenmin have talked about their feelings towards hyuck! Jaemin is use to hearing about hyuck's crushes (Jaehyun/Mark) that he's very firm about Donghyuck not liking them back  
> \- In the end there Mark hints that he liked/likes Donghyuck but hyuck is a little oblivious. Mark always knew that Hyuck would fall for norenmin which is why he was so mean to him. He was trying to get over his own feelings by distancing himself from Hyuck  
> \- I mentioned tao, kris and luhan because I miss them but also hyuck wanted to reflect on how leaving affects other people  
> \- If there's anything you want to see in the Epilogue, let me know!!  
> \- Also sorry if this chapter is a little rough, I'm running on like no sleep >> I'll probably edit it later
> 
> Again, you can find me on twitter @/nohyuck_ where I post previews and spoilers without context uwu


	4. Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue: Donghyuck learned to live again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Been Through by EXO while writing this.
> 
> *Notes at the end of the chapter as always. This is the last chapter, thank you so much for joining me on this journey.

Donghyuck awoke alone.

He had taken a nap in the 127 dorm after the long talk he had with his hyungs. They had begged him to stay, not that he needed much convincing, then stuffed him with food and affection.

It felt _right._ Taeyong made his favorite dish and Mark talked about how excited he was for the 2018 comebacks that were quickly approaching.

Doyoung slept early since he had a schedule the next morning. He wished Donghyuck a good night and gave him a kiss on the forehead, which Donghyuck enjoyed.

He felt wrong sleeping in the 127 dorm and he knew why. He missed Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin.

Being without them felt like there was a piece of Donghyuck missing. There was a restlessness and uneasy feeling in his stomach. He wanted to be with them, he wanted to hear Renjun and Jeno argue as Jaemin egged them on. He wanted to be whole again.

He got out of bed, he knew what he had to do. He walked out of the room he shared with Doyoung and made sure none of his hyungs saw him as he left the dorm.

He walked towards the stairs that lead to the Dream dorm on the next floor and sat down. He shivered, all he had on was shorts and shirt he assumed belonged to Doyoung.

He turned on his phone and dialed up a familiar number. He had to make things right again.

“Tell Lee Soo-man hyung-nim that I made a decision.”

 

* * *

 

It was midnight when he snuck into the Dream dorm. Well, snuck in was in an _exaggeration._  He was allowed to be in there, he just wasn't welcomed at the moment.

He used all his will power to remain silent, he didn't want Chenle or Jisung to hear him and accidently think someone broke in. That had _almost_ happened too many times.

He heard noise coming from the living room and wondered who would be up so late. He creeped towards the living room but made sure to remain hidden.

As he got closer he saw the tv was on but the volume was set so low, he had to strain his ears to hear it. It was _Moomin_ , of course.

Donghyuck eyes widened when he heard sniffling and saw Renjun and Jeno on the couch together.

“Shh, it's okay babe, he'll come back I promise” Jeno reassured softly as he rubbed Renjun’s back.

_Where they talking about...him?_

Renjun sniffled and wiped the last of his tears away. Donghyuck was heartbroken, he hated seeing any of them crying but nothing hurt his heart more than seeing Renjun cry. Renjun was tough, he knew when to be sweet but he was always ready to tease. Seeing the strongest person he knew cry caused him so much pain, especially when he knew he was the reason why Renjun had cried.

“But what if he doesn't. What if Jaemin was right Jeno? What if he doesn't love us?” Renjun asked sadly as he leaned his head against Jeno’s shoulder.

“Injunnie, you know how Nana gets when he's hurt. Sometimes he says things he doesn't mean. He's in our room right now, blaming himself for what he said. I know he's more angry at himself then at Donghyuck”

“Is he? He shouldn't be alone, bring him here” Renjun said with determination. Jeno nodded and stood up to go get Jaemin.

Donghyuck waited, his chest heavy. He was imposing on their privacy but he felt like he needed to see what was in front of him.

Jeno returned with Jaemin who looked hesitant to join them.

“Baby come here, I'm not mad I promise” Renjun said gently as he made room for Jaemin.

All of them knew that Jaemin was a little harder to deal with emotionally, but they always reassured him that they were never completely mad at him. He would argue but he loved being babied and taken cared of, since he was use to being the youngest in his household.

Jaemin cuddled in between Renjun and Jeno. Donghyuck couldn't hear what Jaemin was whispering but he had a feeling that Jaemin was apologizing over and over.

“I was so mean. I didn't mean it, I promise! I just couldn't handle the thought of losing him _again._ It's all my fault if he leaves isn't it?” Jaemin rushed out in a louder voice.

In that moment, Donghyuck realized how fucked up everything was. They were eighteen and seventeen year olds that were dealing with problems much bigger than them. They should be carefree, they shouldn't have to worry and cry.

_Donghyuck had done this._

He was ready to make it right.

“He won't leave”

“I won't leave”

Jeno and Donghyck’s voice echoed in the quiet room. Donghyuck stepped out of the shadows, his hands fidgeting.

“I already called manager hyung-nim and told him I wouldn't been taking any option SM offered to me. I'm staying in NCT and thats final” He said firmly.

Donghyuck's appearance shocked Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin who became speechless.

Donghyuck wasn't done, he was going to fix it, to let them know how he felt. Deep down, he always knew his feelings, he just never paid attention to them. He ignored the hyung’s remarks and brushed off any longing looks Renjun, Jeno or Jaemin gave him. He thought it was all in his head, but no, it was real.

Lee Donghyuck absolutely loved Huang Renjun, Lee Jeno and Na Jaemin.

A voice in his head that sounded too much like Hansol yelled, “ _Finally!_ ”

“I know I'm really oblivious and its taken me awhile. I'm sorry for making you guys wait, but i'm in _love_ with all three of you.” Donghyuck began, “I think I've known for a while, I just kept ignoring it. I thought it'd be easier if I pushed it away and instead I hurt all of you in the process. I tried sleeping in the 127 dorm tonight and I couldn't, it felt _wrong._ I knew it was because I'm use to sleeping cuddled up to you guys. I'm use to knowing you guys are around. I feel incomplete without you guys. I don't trust anyone more than you three.”

Renjun looked as if someone had just told him the sky was orange, “Donghyuck...what are you trying to say."

Donghyuck whined, irritated that they hadn't gotten it right away.

“It means what I said!” He said, trying not to be too loud and wake up the babies, “I'm in love with you guys. I have a big fat crush on each of you. I want to hold hands with all three of you. I want to _kiss_ you guys and be gross and romantic together! I want to say I have three boyfriends that love me very much so be jealous. I want the hyungs to make jokes but ha jokes on them we really are dating each other”

Donghyuck speech pulled Jeno and Jaemin out of their shock.

“See i told you” Jeno said smugly to Jaemin, “I knew he liked us!”

Jaemin rolled his eyes, “A boy can't be insecure anymore or what? Plus, you didn't have to listen to him go on for hours about Jaehyun and Mark.”

Donghyuck winced, “Yeah sorry about that”

Renjun waved it off, “Its fine, you didn't know. Now come sit with us”

Jaemin made an offended noise but both Renjun and Donghyuck ignored him.

Donghyuck smiled and sprawled himself against the three of them. His legs were in Renjun and Jaemin’s laps as he pressed himself against Jeno’s chest.

“So” Donghyuck said with a mischievous smile, “Who gets the honor of kissing me first?”

He heard Jeno choke and saw Renjun blush. _Renjun was so pretty when he blushed._

“We should talk about everything first --”

Jeno was interrupted as Jaemin reached forward and cupped Donghyuck's face. He leaned closer until their lips were only an inch away.

Donghyuck smiled, _of course Nana would be the first, he was the most confident gay after Donghyuck himself._

“If you want me to stop, I'll stop” Jaemin whispered to him. Donghyuck shivered as felt Jaemin’s breath on his lips.

“Stop being stupid and kiss me before I ask Jeno to do it.” Donghyuck whispered back, before he pushed himself closer to Jaemin.

Their lips connected and Donghyuck swore his heart was about to beat out of his chest. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the softness of Jaemin’s lips.

He didn't know how long it lasted, a few seconds or maybe even a few minutes before Jaemin pulled away.

Donghyuck opened his eyes, his cheeks red as he thought about how Renjun and Jeno had witnessed the kiss as well.

Renjun’s eyes were wide, his face flushed. He imagined Jeno’s face was the same.

“Kiss Renjun while I kiss Jeno” Donghyuck ordered to Jaemin who nodded. He turned to look at Jeno.

Jeno’s face was red but the look in his eyes was intense. He turned to look at Donghyuck who gave him a cheeky smile.

Jeno smiled before leaning down and placing his lips on Donghyuck’s. Donghyuck decided that kissing was his new favorite activity from now on.

Jeno kissed like he hugged, warmly and with a strength that was there but not overbearing. He parted his lips to give Jeno more access and sighed into the kiss. Jeno was a good kisser.

Donghyuck pulled away before it went farther and Jeno whined. He saw Jeno and Renjun pull apart and blushed even more. It was a nice sight to see.

“I want to kiss Renjun so move over Nana” Donghyuck demanded as he scooted towards Renjun.

Renjun looked shy but deadly. His dark hair was slightly messy, Jaemin’s doing no doubt, his cheeks were pink and his lips shined. He was a masterpiece.

“You doing okay Injunnie?” Donghyuck asked him quietly.

“Yeah” He breathed out, “I've never been kissed like this before”

“Neither have I but it's good right?”

“Yeah, yeah good”

Donghyuck gave him one last smile before kissing him.

Donghyuck swiped his tongue over Renjun’s bottom lip and Renjun gave a tiny gasp. Donghyuck angled himself and pushed against Renjun as he slipped his tongue into Renjun’s mouth.

Renjun made a sweet noise before pulling away. A strand of saliva hung between their lips and they both blushed.

“That was good right” Donghyuck asked shyly. Renjun nodded.

They turned to look at Jaemin and Jeno who were still kissing. The sight warmed Donghyuck's cheeks and he felt a spark of heat run across his body. Jeno had his hand on Jaemin’s chin, allowing him to take control, not that Jaemin minded. It was beautiful and Donghyuck couldn't look away.

Renjun coughed and the two broke away slowly. Jaemin gave Renjun a look for interrupting his make out session.

“It’s late, I think we should get to bed” Renjun said as he got up. He pulled Donghyuck up by their interlocked hands. Donghyuck pouted but got up anyway.

Renjun was always the responsible one.

“But Injunnie” Jeno whined,  “I didn’t get to kiss you!!

Renjun blushed but patted Jeno’s cheek with his other hand, “You can do it tomorrow”

Jaemin stuck his tongue out at Jeno, “Sucks for you, Renjun is a good kisser”

“Oh and I'm not?” Jeno questioned, an offended look on his face.

Jaemin shrugged nonchalantly, “Eh, you're okay” 

“I-I’m. I’m only _only_ okay? Donghyuck tell Jaemin he's wrong!”

“Hyuckie tell Jeno I'm right!”

“Knock it off you two, you'll wake the brats!”

Donghyuck only smiled at the scene, his heart content. He was happy to be home.

 

* * *

 

It wasn't an easy process to fix everything.

There were still times when the hyungs said something out of line or Donghyuck ran away instead of communicating, but it was better, it was progress.

Donghyuck sat on the roof like he did months ago and wondered if he should've gone through with his decision before he was stopped.

NCT’s 2018 comeback was a week away. He had lost weight, much to his annoyance and soon he would be reduced to the persona he played on camera.

Donghyuck would have to hide behind his facade and pretend to be someone he wasn't. He wouldn't be able to hug or kiss Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin or be babied by his hyungs. He would have to cling to Mark and be playfully rude to his hyungs just so he could fit the role of Haechan.

It was exhausting to spend the majority of his day playing a part he never asked for. He knew there would be tiring days and possibly arguments between the members. Everyone was on edge during comebacks, they were expected to be the best of the best, to prove that they were worthy products of SM’s investment. It was easy for one mistake or mishap to set anyone off.

Donghyuck thought about the fans. Some of them didn't know their boundaries and had unhealthy obsessions with him but most fans wanted the best for him. Performing on stage and having a comeback was a luxury that not all groups could afford. He was lucky to be supported by so many people. There was nothing prettier than seeing green lights in a sea of black, chanting for them, for _him_.

He thought about his hyungs, who made sure he ate and took his medication every day. SM had given in to the hospital's requests and the company doctor had prescribed Donghyuck antidepressants. He had been weary at first, afraid that he would become dependant on a temporary solution but it helped. It didn't make Donghyuck magically happy but it gave him the boost he needed to get back up and live another day.

His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening. It almost felt like deja vu, except instead of all of his hyungs bursting the door open, it was only Taeyong.

He walked over quietly and sat down next to him. They watched the view, that was just as beautiful as it was all those months ago, together in silence.

“I thought I would find you here,” Taeyong spoke up, “Whenever you disappear, someone always finds you up here.”

“It's my safe space” Donghyuck said simply. “Whenever it all got too much, I would come up here and just watch the sunset”

Taeyong hummed in response and turned to look at him.

“Do you want to talk about what's wrong?”

Donghyuck loved that Taeyong never pressured him to talk about the things he didn't want to or didn't feel ready for. They both knew certain topics couldn't be avoided but there was no need to make Donghyuck more stressed over it.

“I'm just wondering if I made the right decision that day. A part of me wonders what would have happened if you guys hadn’t gotten to me in time. I would've died but at that point, that's all I wanted.”

Taeyong looked ahead, his eyes focused on the setting sun. Donghyuck always admired Taeyong for carrying the team's problems while dealing with his own.

“You didn't die though, you're very much alive. Do you think you made the right decision?” Taeyong asked quietly.

“I don't know. I was ready to die, or at least I thought I was. Our lifestyle, it's not easy but you know that. A lot of times I want to disappear, even now...but then I think about everything.  If I had died, I wouldn't be able to mess with you guys, I would've never gotten to experience my first kiss and I would've never known that it gets better”

Donghyuck caught Taeyong's eyes briefly before looking down.

“I think that I would've never known what it's like to live again, if I hadn't gone through all of that. I think I'm glad that you guys stormed in on time. Life sucks sometimes, like really badly, but it's also wonderful. I'm really glad I'll get to experience it.”

Donghyuck leaned against Taeyong as the sun finally set. He felt Taeyong wrap an arm around him. Donghyuck hid a smile when he felt Taeyong press a kiss to his hair.

“I'm really glad you'll get to experience it too Hyuckie.” Taeyong said with a fond smile as he looked at Donghyuck.

Taeyong remembered when a younger Donghyuck sat like this with him, in the training rooms. Whenever he was homesick, Donghyuck would find his way to Taeyong. That kid grew up but Taeyong knows Donghyuck would always be the same boy he met all those years ago. His heart aches at the years that have passed, at how cruel the world had been to the bright boy beside him but he promises to protect the innocence he still holds with all of his being.

“Thank you for making the days brighter.”

 

* * *

 

“Na Jaemin!”

“Lee Jeno! Lee Donghyuck!”

“Huang Renjun!”

Donghyuck giggled as he pulled away from Renjun’s lips as he heard Taeyong, Doyoung and Kun shriek.

Renjun, Jeno, Donghyuck and Jaemin had all gotten their makeup done early so they decided to sneak onto the set and mess around. Jaemin suggested they make out and well, Donghyuck could never say no to Jaemin.

They flipped a coin to choose partners since Jeno argued that it was unfair and biased to pair up randomly since someone might feel like a second choice. They agreed and flipped a coin. Renjun got Donghyuck and Jeno got Jaemin, a decision that pleased all parties involved.

What none of them thought about was the fact that _eventually_ everyone would join them. They were filming Black on Black, so all of the NCT members were there and they had all just walked in on a very _interesting_ scene.

“Hyung” Jaemin whined as he reluctantly pulled away from Jeno.

“W-What were you doing? Why were you doing that? When? How? Why!?” Doyoung asked as he turned to look at Taeyong, who looked as equally distraught as he did.

“We were kissing, you know, that thing couples do” Donghyuck said mockingly.

“I didn't know Jaemin and Jeno were dating”

“Neither did, nor did I think Renjun and Donghyuck were dating. I had 30,000 won on nohyuck, damn”

“Wait wait. Before everyone loses it, I want to clarify that all four of us are dating. Each other.” Jaemin said with a proud smile.

“Surprise?” Jeno said with an eye smile, hoping that would relieve the tension.

“See I told you!” Chenle said to Jisung, who rolled his eyes and handed him 16,000 won, “Polygamy always wins”

“Were you betting on us?” Donghyuck asked in disbelief as Chenle collected more money from Lucas and Yuta.

“Of course we did hyung!” Chenle said with a smile, “We have to entertain ourselves too! Also you guys are so dramatic, it was so fun to gossip about who was with who.”

“I thought there was only one snake in this household but there's multiple!” Jaemin cried out.

Donghyuck laughed as everyone moved on from the ‘norenhyuckmin’ drama as Johnny had declared their ship name to be.

He knew that even though the hyungs had not been vocal about it, they all supported his relationship with Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin. Taeyong still looked like he would be having a talk with all four of them soon.

“You know we're here for you, right?” Johnny told him as they took a break from filming.

“Yeah I know” Donghyuck said with a big smile as he watched his boyfriends play around.

It was good to be alive.

 

* * *

 

Donghyuck bounced up and down next to Lucas who shot him an amused look.

“Dude you're like more excited about this than I am, and you've been on Weekly Idol before.”

Donghyuck shook his head and looked up at Lucas, “I’m so excited because it's 2018 NCT, the last time I was here, it was only 127. It's all of us being a mess  _dude,_ how can I not be excited?”

Lucas booped Donghyuck on the nose and ignored the glare Donghyuck gave him. He rubbed his nose with a pout, _watch out giant, I'll get you back!_

“That's hyung to you”

“Hyung my a--”

“Stop bullying my boyfriend ge” Renjun said as he joined them.

They were already in the studio ready to film but the Weekly Idol crew was making sure there would be no technical difficulties. They had never filmed 18 people in one session so they had to be prepared. In the meantime, the members were goofing around or going over what they should remember to mention.

“I hear bullying. Are we bullying Hyuck cause I'm in.” Jaemin said as he walked over and cuddled into Renjun’s side.

Donghyuck glared at him, “This is why Jeno is a better kisser than you”

“Told you so! Love you Hyuck!” Jeno yelled from a few feet away, where he was playing Nintendogs + Cats with Chenle and Jungwoo.

“Love you too baby!” Donghyuck responded back loudly.

“I feel like this is a normal occurrence” Lucas said as he watched Jaemin cling to Renjun while calling Donghyuck a snake.

“It is” Mark said annoyed, as he walked over, “Taeyong hyung told me to tell you guys to stop messing around because recording is about to start”

“Finally” Renjun said, “We've been waiting for half an hour.”

Mark just shrugged as Taeyong called them over to get in position.

Donghyuck's phone buzzed softly and Renjun raised an eyebrow at him. He smiled sheepishly and pulled it out to silence it. Before he could do that, he saw a message from Hansol.

_Good Luck with Weekly Idol!! Kick some ass and show them why Lee Donghyuck is worth noticing!! -H_

Donghyuck smiled as he turned his phone off, Hansol always knew what to say at the right moment.

 

* * *

 

Shooting for Weekly Idol was fun but tiring. Donghyuck had to pretend it didn't hurt when no one noticed that he had to continue to join the games twice since he was in Dream and 127. Well, Jeno noticed and that's all that mattered to him.

He cheered up when Jeno gave him a pretty smile and said, “Our Haechanie came out again.”

Jeno was a blessing and Donghyuck was lucky that Jeno loved him enough to always be there for him.

The moment that stands out the most to Donghyuck during the whole segment is when they were explaining NCT’s concept.

He hid his laughs as all the hyungs tried desperately to get the hosts to understand their concept, which really, wasn't that hard to understand.

“NCT will keep on forming” Doyoung said exasperated, hoping they would finally understand.

“Then some can leave?” Doni asked. He could feel his boyfriends eyes on him as Doni asked the question.

Donghyuck had rejected the offer to leave but the fact that it was given to him had still left an impact on him, Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin.

“No!” Doyoung protested loudly, “No one will leave!”

Doni looked at him, “Wouldn't that be up to the president?”

“We promised within ourselves”

Donghyuck remembered the talk they had. It was only a few weeks after Donghyuck had been hospitalized that Taeyong had sat all the members down and made them talk. They talked for hours about insecurities and fears and how to overcome them. At the end, they all promised to stay together, to never leave NCT.

Doyoung's eyes found Donghyuck's and he smiled.

 _There was nowhere else he'd rather be_.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Y'know, I'm glad the hyungs made up with Hyuck” Jeno said. Renjun nodded his head in agreement._

_“Yeah, imagine if they hadn't. Hyuckie probably would've taken Lee Soo-man hyung-nim’s offer and left SM”_

_“WHAT??"_

_“EXCUSE ME?”_

_“LEE DONGHYUCK YOU HAVE A LOT TO EXPLAIN”_

_Donghyuck laughed loudly as Doyoung chased him._

_He felt alive again._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And all was well. The last chapter is over and the story concludes. I'm really emotional, Live was written impulsively when I was pondering my own expeirence with suicide and thought about portraying that through Donghyuck. I'm grateful for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks that people have left. The amount of support that I got for my first fic was shocking but it made me feel motivated to finish the story.  
> As you can see, Live is now part of a series meaning that although the main story is done, I will be writing oneshots occasionally about the live 'universe.' I hope you guys will support that as well.  
> Right now I have a hyuckhei social media au going on my twitter @/nohyuck_ if you would like to check that out. I will be posting one shots to accompany that AU. Until I finish with that au, i think I won't work on any more fics. I'm not sure yet, I have several nohyuck, nahyuck and hyuckhei wips so we'll see!!  
> Thank you again for reading, have a wonderful day and let me know what you would like to see from this universe! If theres a scene you'd like me to elaborate on or maybe have a scene from another character's perspective, just comment it below!! Love you guys ♡!!


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